This week started off with something I haven't done in quite some time: four movies in one day. Considering each movie gets progressively more tiring than the last in a situation such as this, and that I decided, for some ungodly reason, to watch some of the most offensive and offensively bad movies I've ever seen alongside two fairly decent movies, this was a bit of an exhausting day, and one of my personal low points, at least as far as my morbid curiosity getting the better of me. As always, this is just a stream of thought, if you want plot details, check the links to the movies.
171. The Hills Have Eyes (1977) - June 25th
I saw the remake first, and as far as I can tell based on my experience with both they're basically identical, save the improved production values and slightly more graphic depictions in the remake. The story beats are exactly the same and the designs are extremely similar. This is honestly a weird film experience for me because I saw the new one first, like this was practice after seeing the main event. I suppose I have to give credit to Wes Craven for the fact that this is the original, but at the same time this for me wasn't like the Texas Chainsaw, Halloween, or Nightmare remakes, where the original is a horror classic that I could see the value in beyond its own workings, and the remakes are stylish shadows, misguided expansions, or outright terrible; The Hills Have Eyes has about as much value to me as The Hills Have Eyes, because their essentially the same movie with so little difference between them that the two side by side really only serves as a time capsule for effects development, and while I'm prepared to admit that my perspective may be skewed by the fact that I saw the original first, I'm more just puzzled by why they changed almost nothing. It's kind of strange, I feel compelled to go back and re-watch the remake because I really can't recall a significant difference.
Anyway, this being as similar as it is serves about as much value as I found in the remake, which is to say that it's a fairly competently made horror with only one real note that it at least manages to strike home; the thin line between the civilised and the savage is one that has been tested in film many times, but at least The Hills Have Eyes tests it fairly well. - 6/10
172. The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011) - June 25th
I rarely find a movie where the lines it crosses override its capability in intending to do so, but it appears I've at least found one, an absolute bottom of the barrel abomination whose cries of "it's just a movie" and authorial intent do not override the sheer abhorrence of its goals and the explicit nature by which it expresses them. This is about as diabolical as a movie can get: its loathsome satire of 'arthouse' film techniques and a general contempt for the audience of the original, as well as a disturbingly effective performance by its lead, are not enough to redeem a movie that takes sick glee in exposing its audience to the worst kind of detestable human capability, so much and to such an extreme extent that you'll either turn it off in disgust or grow numb to the violently unpalatable content. Were a friend not more morbidly curious than I ever intended to be, and were it not my mandate to finish any movie I started, this would have been never touched and never thought of as much as I could possibly manage, but now I have to grapple with the fact that humanity was a mistake while I feebly try to force the at once disturbing and unrealistically over the top image of a newborn's skull being crushed under a gas pedal out of my head. If you were never going to watch this, then I applaud you, this is something that needs to be forgotten and never spoken of again, a relic of the sick mind of someone who loathes his own creation and feels it best to express so by administering hatred upon his audience. If you are reading this and are ever curious about the film, please take my advice and don't watch it, whatever value may be derived from the creative choices in this film cannot outweigh the costs of having to sit through it, and if you're so jaded that this sort of thing wouldn't egregiously affect you, then this will only be a boring slog. There's no winning watching this film, the only victory that can be wrung from this is ignoring its existence, and no amount of crying "it's just a movie" can remove the fact that this movie was created to use the medium of film with the intent only to shock, exhaust, or harm its audience. - 1/10, were I not beholden to the fact that this is technically a movie, I wouldn't even give it a rating.
173. Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988) - June 25th
On a much more lighthearted note, this is exactly what the title suggests and merely tries to have a bit of silly fun with the concept, and that alone makes it positively divine considering what came before. Seriously, this movie got off easy; I imagine most movies would look like a masterpiece by comparison, and this just happened to be the lucky cult classic to tickle my friend's fancy and funny bone after the film equivalent of a horrible disease.
Seriously, the fact that this movie relies so much on cotton candy is appropriate, because it feels like the film equivalent: Aliens that look like clowns invading Earth to feed on human by turning them in to cotton candy, with every single possible idea based around some silly circus gag. I admire their ability to just keep running with the idea like it's a bag of popcorn with a hole in the bottom. Sure, the characters are poorly developed and the film is filled with clunky dialogue, but the film refuses to take its idea seriously while it gets real with it, and the sight gags and stupid humour are constant and endearing and a little macabre. - 6/10
174. Smiley (2012) - June 25th
While most films would appear as masterpieces compared to The Human Centipede 2, Smiley is not most movies. It is an inept and insipid horror that shows absolutely zero skill or creativity while awkwardly preaching a shallow message about the dehumanising nature of anonymity on the internet. Seriously, I don't even entirely disagree with the movie's ideas, it just expresses them so poorly and with so little nuance or new input while also taking the time to try and fail really hard to scare me that this film essentially has no value. Not one aspect of this film came across well, clumsily communicating a strawman's argument with poorly developed and portrayed characters and a double twist that makes no sense and only succeeds at being frustrating without actually making a coherent point. This is simply terrible in every regard, and unlike the other worst movie I watched today, it doesn't even have the disgusting benefit of being memorable. - 1/10
175. Ninja Assassin (2009) - June 26th
Blood and guts and nothing to care about; such a violent movie being so humdrum is its biggest flaw. While the over the top action and gore is shockingly entertaining at first, this film just keep pumping it out, and the trick stops being entertaining about half way through the film, and by that point there isn't a measurably interesting plot or set of characters to get attached to while the film continues to pretend to take itself seriously, so this ends up being half-way fun schlock that turns in to fairly awful schlock because it blows its load in the first five minutes and then doesn't get stylish enough to be interesting for another hour. Not much else to say about this one, it's the sort of film you watch once and forget immediately because it believes too much in its ability to dazzle with the same effect over and over. - 4/10
176. In the Fade (2017) - June 28th
Diane Kruger is pretty amazing here, and the film does a good job of accentuating her emotional journey, which the film thankfully chooses to focus on above all else, because it's really quite good at dealing with the impact upon the individual of such a terrible issue. The conspiracy angles feel a little shallow, or perhaps taken for granted that they're not taken as fact, but when the film puts all that aside to just allow Katja to grieve, to ache and to scream like a real wife and mother would. The film's nihilistic view is also heartbreaking at this level, as the film hits an anti-climax before showing that some wounds cut too deep to heal, and once again, Kruger sells every bit of it. I also have to give credit to Denis Moschitto for his performance as Katja's lawyer Danilo; his impassioned plea to the court was one of the best moments in the film, working completely with the emotional fall that follows. This film gets its characters right, following to the unfortunate absolute end. - 7/10
177. Iron Sky (2012) - June 28th
Like Starship Troopers via Dr. Strangelove, Iron Sky isn't as good as either, but still makes for solid exploitative political satire, and feels slightly more prescient than it should watching it in 2018. The Humour is fast and on point, the satire is cutting and insensitive to everyone involved (as it should, it's not hard to be mean to Nazis), the story is appropriately cheesy and trite, and while the film as a whole isn't entirely engaging, the good definitely outweighs the bad here. If nothing else, the pure concept of Space Nazis on the moon is so hilariously crazy that I'm glad they managed to continue to one-up themselves from there, from the Sarah Palin parody as president of the US sending a model to the moon as an astronaut just because he's black to the only ending you could hope for in a movie like this where the world's leader end up blowing each other up because of petty squabbling over serious issues that neither the characters nor the film have any time to treat with substance. This film bites off consistently and thoroughly, and considering its limits perhaps a little more than it could chew, but it makes enough of them count for this to be unexpectedly clever. - 6/10
178. Terminal (2018) - June 30th
I'm baffled that such a stylish movie could be so utterly dull. Terminal feels so obviously inspired by neo-noir neon and self-indulgent Tarantino-style dialogue, but it fails to capture what makes any of that interesting, with the writing congratulating itself on its quips and twists at every opportunity and the direction constantly shifting focus and colour with seemingly little rhyme or reason. The only aspects that hold this film up as watchable are Margot Robbie and Simon Pegg; Pegg plays very well against type, his forlorn nature wafting like the smoke from his endless string of cigarettes, and Robbie plays every line with such incredible vigor, chewing the scenery in ways that make such terrible dialogue, especially expositional dialogue, workable. This isn't a good movie, but credit where credit's due. - 4/10
179. Sweet Country (2017) - June 30th
When this was in cinemas it was always overshadowed on my watch list by the awards season nominees; I'm glad I finally sat down to watch it, the film offers a haunting and raw, if sometimes bare, look at past injustices and ugly realities that are ingrained in to Australian history. This is honest perspective, and effectively nuanced, showing not just the inhumane treatment of Aboriginal people but the pain and the distrust and the cycle that perpetuates it; this is a microcosm that's aware of what it is in the world, and so it balances shock and outrage against gorgeous landscapes and sprinkles it all with thought provoking ideas that come to a disturbing but unfortunately unsurprising conclusion. It's also a reminder to try and find more Australian films this good and watch them. - 8/10
180. Deep Cover (1992) - July 1st
First, a minor detail that I found interesting enough to give this a go, the film is directed by Bill Duke, who most would know as Mac from Predator, or perhaps Cooke from Commando. This doesn't necessarily mean anything to anyone else, I just thought it was kind of neat to see that he'd directed a movie, and was pleased to find out that it's really very good.
Deep Cover is provocative and often deliberately poetic, with Laurence Fishburne espousing cold narration over charged developments like the best of noir classics. I'm still processing this one, and I want to watch it again, because the film is one that I really enjoyed a lot, largely for Fishburne's performance. I wish I could say more, but I'm out of time and need to watch this again. - 7.5/10
Published July 2nd, 2018
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