Directed by: Bob Clark
Written by: Bob Clark, Greg Michael, Steven Paul, Francisca Matos, Robert Grasmere
Starring: Kathleen Turner, Christopher Lloyd, Kim Catrall
IMDb Link
Alright, let's do another one of these. This time I thought I'd look at one of the films that is generally considered one of the worst, one that people may have actually heard of and even enjoyed when they were babies themselves.
Baby Geniuses is about genius babies. Shocked, aren't you?
The film sets up the dumb premise that before the age of two, babies are actually super intelligent, containing great secrets to the universe in their little minds, only understood in their babbling language, which is apparently ancient and impossible to translate. A group of scientists have determined this and work to keep it a secret because they're evil, going about getting their hands on several babies to build and study their genius. You'd think that these babies were already geniuses given the film's premise, but the film goes against itself, muddying the whole affair with something called the Kinder Method, which apparently raises even better genius babies. How the method does this, no-one knows, it just seems to be an excuse to make one of the babies that much more genius than the rest of them, and it's apparently too easy to just have one baby be naturally smarter. They also try to cover their bases by suggesting that this genius only occurs in one in ten thousand babies, while also offering the idea that this genius could happen to every baby. Isn't it great when you can just make up stuff as you go along so that you can have something both ways? Man, there's so much wrong with this movie and I haven't even got to the film's not even half-arsed attempt at a story.
The even-more-genius baby, Sylvester, is raised on the Kinder Method to test its superiority, against his twin, Whit, who is raised in a normal home by a man trying to decipher the ancient baby language. Apparently the twins share a telepathic connection, but are also completely unaware of each other's existence (figure that one out on your own time), and the two must never meet or know about each other... because. The film never gives a reason for them to not meet, doesn't imply that their psychic connection has something to do with it, or perhaps that the Kinder Method will be ruined by it, or even something as basic as it affecting the variables of the scientific study, it just says they can never meet. I mean the film literally says it: because the filmmakers apparently couldn't be bothered to find another way to explain this, they literally have a computer spit out the exposition for Sly and Whit's backstory to Christopher Lloyd, who is literally the scientist in charge and already knows all of it. They didn't put any thought in to the plot, I suppose we can't expect them to put any in to the plot delivery, either. What makes it funnier to me is the fact that, after being told explicitly that Sly and Whit can never meet, when the two inevitably do, nothing happens. They just sort of see each other, yell in shock, and then pass each other by, before the obvious mix-up that happens as they're identical twins. The film just doesn't even try to do anything right.
Now, some may find it unfair that I'm picking this thing apart when it's a movie called Baby Geniuses, after all it's a movie for babies, their gauge for complete crap doesn't really exist yet, but first, children have been offered good filmmaking targeted at them for years, with filmmakers continuing to make quality content that appeals specifically to kids while also being worthwhile for all ages (seriously, I don't think I have to remind people that Pixar exists), and second, Baby Geniuses isn't even really appropriate for babies, because it manages to slip in a surprising number of adult jokes and weirdly dark situations, while also encouraging bad behaviour with the actions of the babies in the film.
A casual "Gimme your clothes" "Okay slick, but buy me dinner first" joke is just strange when it comes from two babies; the film tries to get by on making jokes out of babies doing things that they wouldn't normally do, but it gets bizarrely inappropriate when it comes to moments like this. It definitely doesn't help when you're dealing with the film's biggest problem: the fact that most of the main characters are babies. They don't know what's going on around them, so the baby actors are just staring in to space or not really looking where they should be; it's clear that the babies simply don't have a grasp on what's happening, let alone the basics of acting. This isn't a knock on the actors (they're babies, what do you expect?) but on the filmmakers; it should've been clear at this point that the film simply wouldn't work, because having every baby be an actual character with lines in the film causes a lot of scenes to seem disconnected from reality, as their expressions have nothing to do with the emotions in their voice. Heck, they even had to use CGI to make the baby's mouths speak their lines, so voice and expression are separate altogether. It's such fundamental stuff that it baffles me they thought that the film would work without it. It probably doesn't help that all the babies talk like movie versions of 90s hipsters.
One last thing to poke at : Big Baby. Click the links at your own peril. This monster is more terrifying than half the creatures in horror films today, and it's absolutely hilarious to me that they thought this thing wouldn't give kids nightmares.
The Verdict: Baby Geniuses is easily one of the worst films I've ever seen; in fact, as of right now it's #5 on my bottom 5 worst movies list. Literally nothing about this film works; it fails to tell a coherent story, it barely manages to set up a premise, and while it tries to get by on the saccharine and silly things that only appeal to babies and young children, it also manages to make itself inappropriate to a children audience with some of its jokes and events. Any appeal that the more 'mature' jokes may have for an older viewing audience gets lost in the constant poo, wee, and kicking-people-in-the-dick jokes, and whatever potential there could be for enjoyment from the film's obviously ridiculous premise is null and void in the film's presentation. I chose this film as part of my 'A Look at the Worst' series for a reason.
Rating: Obviously 1/10
Published June 14th, 2017
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